Falling Apart
by DomenicoCellino
Summary: A little Angst in the morning... kinda depressive. Shuichi's thought's on how he believes Yuki to not love him. YuShu One-Shot


Disclaimer: Gravitation doesn't belong to me it all belongs to Maki Murakami! I am not making any profit out of this.

A/N: Well, here's my Gravitation FF! It's a little depressing... that's because of me being a depressive person... I can't help it. But I fear Shuichi may be a little OOC... or is it Yuki? Please, read it anyway and tell me what you think!

Tiredness.

That's all I feel. Endless tiredness that just won't disappear, no matter what I do.

For quite some time now I am starring into the dark space, without actually seeing something. The darkness crawled into the room long ago, but I don't feel like flipping on the lights.

It's cold. Maybe it is because you never turn on the heating? Or does the coldness come from somewhere else?

Cold...

Don't care.

Cold...

Don't care.

I don't care. I'm cold, yet I don't freeze. Weird, isn't it? Well, it doesn't matter. You wouldn't care either, now, would you?

'Cause it's me, you seem to care about the least. I am nothing to you. You don't care about me the slightest, do you?

You, whom I love most in the world.

You, whom I would do anything for.

You, because of whom I sometimes could hug the whole earth.

You, because of whom I sometimes just want to die.

I reach beside me and hold the kitchen knife in my hand. It's one of my favorite things in your apartment. It's the cause of so many delightful moments.

Do you remember me cutting myself while chopping the vegetables and you treating my finger with a plaster? That was one of the most beautiful moments in my life.

Your lap was so comfortable...

So warm...

You were so nice...

Warm...

Not as cold as now.

Don't you see I'm there?

Don't you see there's still me?

Don't you see I'm crying when I'm alone?

Don't you see I'm falling apart if it goes on like this?

I cannot any longer!

I just cannot endure it any longer!

Your coldness.

Your apathy.

You don't love me, do you?

You don't care whether I'm there or not, do you?

I have a stronger grip on the handle. It hurts to know that you would like it better if I simply wasn't there anymore.

Hurts more than the vase witch fell on my foot yesterday.

Hurts more than the broken piece I cut myself with.

Hurts even more than the blade I'm holding tight with my left hand.

Why do I love you so much?

Do you know how often I asked me this question? And I didn't find an answer yet.

Empty...

I'm feeling...

Never ending emptiness...

Where are you now? – In your office.

What are you doing? – Working.

Why aren't you with me? – 'Cause I don't mean anything to you.

But why?

I just wanted...

Black...

Dark...

Cold...

Lonely...

Hopeless...

Abandoned...

I stare onto my left hand. In this endless darkness it almost looks like porcelain.

White...

Fragile...

Like a doll...

I am nothing more to you, am I?

A doll – you can play with if you have nothing better to do.

A toy – you can throw away when you got tired of it.

A marionette – you can make dance as you wish.

A dead object.

But I cannot anymore!

I can no longer stand it...

With you...

But I can't live differently either...

Without you...

Live...

Where's the boy who knew nothing of more importance than living?

Where's the boy who didn't want anything more than to be free?

Where's the boy who wanted to have fun with his friends?

Where's the boy who wanted to have adventures?

Where's the boy who chased after his dreams?

Where's the boy who wanted to find the love of his life?

He's not me.

My life? – That's you.

My freedom? – That's you.

My fun? – That's you.

My adventure? – That's you.

My dream? – That's you.

My love? – That's you.

My hatred? – That's you, too.

My nightmare? – That's you, too.

My bitterness? – That's you, too.

My sadness? – That's you, too.

My imprisonment? – That's you, too.

My death...

Will you be that, too?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

What do you say?

Ah, yeah. Right.

You don't care.

My gaze lingers on the window for one moment.

White...

Outside it's snowing.

Of course it's snowing. Today's Christmas!

Christmas...

Today's Christmas and you are working.

But what did I expect?

You spending the day with me?

At least the evening?

You paying attention to me?

At least taking notice?

I guess I expected too much from you.

But how do they say?

Hope dies last.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe...

My gaze wanders back to my hand. Or better. To my wrist.

White too...

And fragile...

One cut.

One cut and everything would be over.

Sorrow.

Ache.

Pain.

Loneliness.

Fear.

Despair.

In one shot.

Everything would end.

In one shot everything would end...

Then everything dies.

I would get rid of it forever.

I could free myself from all those dreadful emotions.

But...

What about my love?

My love for you...

It would die too.

Do I want that?

Again: But.

Would you care?

Certainly not...

So, why hesitate?

I'm in any case just a nuisance to you.

So, why hesitate?

A beautiful picture.

Sick, but beautiful.

Dark red, almost black blood on nearly white skin.

Just like a second Snow-white...

I regard my arm like a work of art in the museum.

So beautiful...

I almost don't feel the pain, so numb am I.

Maybe I should cut again – just a little deeper?

The door squeaks.

Funny, didn't you make sure last week that its hinges are well oiled?

You stand there and stare at me.

Now I am a work of art and you are my admirer.

But what's that?

A slap?

You slap me?

Do you hate me that much?

Is my pain not enough as it is now?

I don't understand it.

I don't understand you...

I stare at you for what has to be an eternity.

Tears.

I'm crying.

Hot tears are streaming down my face.

A nasty feeling.

I thought you hated me...

I thought I was nothing to you...

I thought you didn't care for me...

And why do you get the first-aid kit?

And why do you call the emergency doctor?

And why do you hug me?

And why do you press me so firmly against you?

And why do you caress my head?

And why do you apologize?

And why do you cry?

I don't understand you.

Do I actually mean something to you?

Do you actually care about me?

But I thought...

The emergency doctors surround me. The ask questions. I don't hear them.

They give me something. A salt solution? I don't notice it.

They carry me towards the emergency mobile. I don't care.

Everything I see is you.

You who won't leave my side.

You who won't let go of my hand.

You who's crying because of me.

I'm so fucking tired...

I wanna sleep...

I only see you.

You're so beautiful...

You're looking at me...

You're crying...

"I love you"

You...

You do love me?

You care about me...

You do love me...

I smile.

Tomorrow.

When I wake up.

Tomorrow I'll talk to you.

Then I'll embrace you...

Then I'll apologize...

Then I'll tell you everything...

Then I'll tell you how much I love you...

You do love me...

But for now I will sleep...

You do love me...

And dream of you...

My Yuki.

Fin.


End file.
